Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
