Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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