I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
