My Higher Power is John Stamos
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
