Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
