the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
