2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
