I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I stole a fireplace last night.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
