remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
