When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
