JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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