then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
