you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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