Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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