this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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