i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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