The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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