He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
