Your tits are I can't wait for
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
