I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I take back everything I said about communal showers
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
