If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
