i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
