There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
