i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
