it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
