The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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