soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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