Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
