just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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