I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
