is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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