I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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