The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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