so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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