The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
