i can't believe i had my finger in that
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
