So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
