Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
