so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Is Oprah even human
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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