fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
