I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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