i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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