My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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