I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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