Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
