Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
