You're my little dorito
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
