he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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