I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
