He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
