You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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