How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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