just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
